Maybe now the lies can stop

 Hello! This is the first poem I ever wrote that I was happy with! 

It's about growing up queer and not coming to terms with it until you're a little bit older and can look back and spot the signs. 

12

I am sat in the canteen

At our usual

Table number six.

With a small group of girls talking about boys

That they wish would notice them.

They ask me who I’ve got my eye on

So I join in the charade

And mention a name of a boy in the year above

Table number four.

I blush and they giggle

All of us worry-free as having crushes when we’ve not yet learned subtlety is the biggest problem our young selves face.

And I tell myself that I’m not lying when I say I have no other puzzles to solve.

That the creeping feeling that something’s

Wrong

Isn’t there.

I turn behind me and wonder for how long I can get away with staring at

table number 3.

At the pretty French braids that I wish would notice my neat ponytail.

 

13

I am manning the stall

So that mum can watch that band she wanted to see

A woman approaches and smiles

Asks if we take card

As I reply my eyes move down

To just below her neck

To the dip in her dress

I snap them back up

before she can see my cheeks

Flaming

And after she leaves, I tell myself that I’m not lying

as I look down at my somewhat

Underdeveloped Chest

That I’m just jealous that I haven’t quite grown into mine yet.

 

14

I am in the music room at school

In front of the piano

Singing softly in a chorus of voices

I try to look forward

Instead of looking left

At the small skirt

And polished shoes

And closed eyes

And deep breath

Of the girl on my left

And I tell myself that I’m not lying when I say that I just admire her so much.

My music teacher pulls me aside after class and asks if I’m alright

That I seem distracted

‘I’m fine’ is the only straight forward way I can think of telling him I couldn’t stop thinking about holding her hand

 

15

I am stood by the door

Watching as she slips off the dress in front of the mirror

And exposes her shoulder blades

I try not to think about how it would feel

to run my finger down her spine and watch as she shivers.

I tell myself that I’m not lying when she asks what I’m staring at

And I paint on a friendly smile and say ‘nothing’.

 

16

I am spending a day with the cover pulled over

I’ve not stopped crying since this morning and it’s now getting dark again

49 people died last night in a club halfway across the world

Whilst I was here

Sleeping peacefully

And I tell myself I’m not lying

When I say that I’m only upset at the unfairness of it all

Of the horror their families must be going through

And not because I’m terrified that what if one day my family faces the same horror

Of seeing my broken body covered in bullet holes; blood spilling out on pavement

What if one day some other angry soul wants to kill me like Omar Mateen wanted to kill them

For dancing

For drinking

For kissing the wrong person

Is all of this really worth it?

 

17

I am laid in his bed with his blanket up to my shoulders

He kisses my neck and tells me he loves me

Tells me that he wants this forever

Me and him against the world and all that other cringy shite

He asks if I want that too

And I tell myself I’m not lying when I say yes

I tell myself I wouldn’t need more than this straight line love to fulfil me in a world of so many shapes

 

18

I am upstairs in the club

Dancing with friends

And a boy catches my eye from across the room

He winks but she grabs my hand

And spins me round till I feel sick

And she laughs and I smile

And my stomach feels knotted

And I tell myself that I’m not lying

when I say I feel dizzy from the spinning and not from the feeling of her hand

in mine

I look in her eyes and the boy across the room walks away

forgotten.

 

19

And now we’re alone

In my uni bed

Make sure to lock the door

Before lips touch lips

And a hand fits

Inside thighs

And I think to myself

Between the moans and the sighs

That I don’t have to lie

Anymore.

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Personal Account - @caitlinengland

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